My Broken Heart

It’s amazing how children can say things that can completely break you heart. Much worse they say it before church services, so of course I am extremely sensitive and cry through every worship song. Why? Don’t they know that church service is a time of reflection and worship time. A time to be thankful for all the Lord has given us and has allowed us to experience.

Well, apparently some children are more self-centered and only care about themselves. I would hope that my children would not be that way, but apparently that is a stage they must all go through. Or, so I am told.

However, it always seems to be my oldest that breaks my heart the most. And yet, she will act like nothing ever happened several hours later. Yet my heart is still broken, and will continue to break. She will be 18 soon, and my husband, her dad, feels it is time for her to grow up. She must show appreciation for all she has and begin to realize that she will be an adult soon and will need to be on her own.

Remember when growing up and fantasizing about your own little apartment and your own furniture and how cute it would be? Then reality hit and you realized it was not like your dreams, that it actually cost money to have an apartment and everything that goes along with being independent. Well, my husband believes that each child should experience the ‘pain’ to help them appreciate what they now have. However, I come from an entirely different school of thought.

I feel that we as parents, are still responsible for our children and if they show responsibility, that they do not need to move out until they are ready; perhaps to go away to college or when they are going to get married. So, you can imagine the battles that ensue when I share my thoughts. My husband is very set in his ways and says he will not budge but we will see when the time comes. The count down has begun, it is now 11 months before our oldest turns 18 years old, so only time will tell, if he changes his way of thinking.

However, that doesn’t seem to mend my heart. How is it possible for a child to say hurtful things or make you feel extremely guilty when you are not at fault at all? And worse yet, act as if nothing has happened hours later and you are still trying to recover from the pain? I guess it’s all part of being a parent. Unfortunately we don’t receive a magical parenting handbook when we become parents, so everyday is a learning experience.

I just pray that they don’t experience the pain I have endured but I know that it is all part of life. I now think back of the times I hurt my mom and didn’t realize it until I saw the tears well up in her eyes. But, by then the damage had been done, and all the apologizing couldn’t mend her heart. Life is cyclic and I am now experiencing the same pain my mom once experienced. I imagine that is part of being a parent. I can only imagine the pain the Lord endures on a daily basis from our actions and all we can do is pray and ask for forgiveness. If He can forgive us, we can forgive our children and ourselves.

Time heals all wounds.

The chronicles continue…